I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
