U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
