I hope mine doesn't look like that
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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