im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
