Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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