So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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