last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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