Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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