boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
