is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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