Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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