I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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