Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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