my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
