You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
