we have pet lesbian snakes
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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