Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
