Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
