Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
