I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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