I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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