You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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