No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
