i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
