I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
