I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
