before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
