i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Be still, my beating vagina.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
