Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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