I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
