he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
