forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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