dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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