yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
