It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
