i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
