Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
