My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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