I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
