I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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