Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
