forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
