Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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