Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
