Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
