Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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