drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
