What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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