Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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