im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
