How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
