i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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