just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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