I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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